We watched Mini-Me's sex tape so you don't have to

Be advised: there's a Mini-Me sex tape doing the rounds. I'm afraid that two days ago, footage emerged showing Verne Troyer, star of the Austin Powers movies, getting it on with an unnamed lady.

Are we even pretending these things get "stolen" any more? Whatever, there's apparently a $100,000 opening bid on the full tape, because it has secured a prestigious distributor - a certain Kevin Blatt, who gave the world the Paris Hilton classic One Night in Paris. Lost in Showbiz has watched the teaser clip so that you don't have to.

First, we should reiterate that the female participant in the video is unnamed, but believed to be a former live-in girlfriend of Verne's. Because of our screwed-up value system she will probably have a record deal by Monday.

Other observations? On the floor in the background - trust me, you do not want to concentrate on the foreground - lies a book called The Power of the Actor. A visit to Amazon confirms that this is some kind of thespian manual on "the Chubbuck Technique" and that customers who bought it also bought the DVD of Entourage. (Oh, I'll just bet they did. We're all with Vince, even those of us humping in nightvision just to catch a break.)

Basically, the video is poignant stuff, though we should probably admit the possibility that it could have been staged.

But you know what? It doesn't actually matter if it was. Can we agree that irony is not a get-out-of-jail-free card at this point? This is not a "satire" on the business of sex tapes. Note to Verne: you have not played The Man and won. If you need to get naked and screw in bad lighting to "fool" a foul and rapacious media, then you da fool, Mini-Me! You da fool.

And so to his story arc. Born in 1969, Verne J Troyer grew up in Centreville, Michigan. I love how practically everyone in American public life comes from a small town whose name can later be used tellingly in a newspaper intro/presidential campaign speech. See Bill Clinton's "I still believe in a place called Hope . . ." Or the profile of the edgy photographer I read the other day that began "Ralph Eugene Meatyard was born in a town called Normal, Illinois . . ."

So here we go: despite hailing from Centreville, Verne has drifted fringewards.

As mentioned, he came to public attention in the Austin Powers movies, in which he played Mini- Me to Mike Myers's Dr Evil, a role for which his 2ft 8in stature - he has dwarfism - made him ideal. He was briefly a paparazzi darling. He married a lingerie model. It was annulled after a month. He was in a Jamiroquai video, in which Jay Kay picked him up by his collar and used him to fend off laser beams before literally tossing him aside. He has advertised car insurance. He went to rehab.

Let's cross to his Wikipedia entry, which refers to a US reality show, The Surreal Life. "Troyer's participation in the show received much media attention," it notes, "when he became drunk and urinated in the weight room's corner while nude on his scooter." Don't avert your eyes. You live in a culture where this passes for TV entertainment. Ever feel like we are way, way beyond the thunderdome? "Verne returned in 2007 for The Surreal Life: Fame Games," it continues, "a gameshow-like version of the show where past cast members returned to see who is the biggest star."

And now the sex tape. Who knows, maybe Verne will do that classic hair-metal singer's thing, and drive past his old school in a white stretch limo, perhaps streaming the footage on a roof-mounted video screen, while shouting through a megaphone, "This is for all the teachers who said I'd never make something of myself!" It made Vince Neil feel good for about 10 minutes.

In the end, though, Lost in Showbiz suspects that a planet where this passes for a "top of the world" speech is a planet in trouble. We've come a long way from Centreville, ma.

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